Well, fancy that.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4811434885

I Am The Man Who Invented Fridge Magnets.

I went out with a girl and told her I was gay,
Her brothers tried to give me eighty five pounds to go away.
I said " Let me, let me proove myself"
"I'll throw myself down a hill and bruise myself"

I looked for a Get Rich Scheme,
A new flavour of ice cream,
An opportunity in the United States,
A way to get round paying business rates.

I tried crime but didn't like the company,
One night I broke into the offices of a listed company,
I stripped lead from the local church roof,
Melted it down and sold it as a new mixer for Vermouth.

But I'm mainstream.
I'm mainstream.
I am the man who invented fridge magnets.

You'll miss me when I've gone.
You'll miss me when I've gone.

I have decided to stay in the house as long as I can . There's no way the 3 Sues would try to get back into here if they know I'm in. . At night, I leave ALL the lights on so it looks, from the hill where they're living in the car, that the place is busy with people. I realise the electricity bill will be crippling - but it won't ( by my estimate) arrive until March - so hopefully, I'll have a hit record or something and be able to pay for it.

Mice In My Hair (Part Two).

In this suit, in this suit,
I slept in a car boot, yeah a car boot.
Dragged myself through a hedge ( backwards),
I have the arse hanging out of my pants,
My pants are full of ants.
My head is full of lice,
My hair is full of mice.

I have spots on my nose,
I wear another man's clothes,
No-one loves me, I don't care.
I have mice nesting in my hair.

My car is in bits,
There are no spares no more.
I have mice nesting in my hair.

So today I tripped on a root,
And then put my toe right through the end of my boot.
I showed for a job, but the job had gone,
They'd gone and give it to a Mormon.
He had, they said, many wives to support,
If I tried that, I'd end up in court.

My ears are full of wax,
I ain't paying my Council Tax,
I lost £300 playing some kind of dice,
My hair, my hair is full of mice.

Untitled.(26.12.05)

jeffrey from shalamar, oh jeffrey from shalamar.
where is the money for my car?
I lent you it last week for you to drive to cruisers creek.
you gave your word you'd get it back to me,
now i've heard word you've wrapped it around a tree.

lol creme, lol creme from 10cc,
where's that dough that's due to me?
I paid for your kids to go to public school,
I re-wired your house and then fell ill,
You have yet to settle these bills.

I am a one trick pony who never read a book,
I was sent to stand in the corner of the class,
The arse hung out of my trousers,
I was made to wear a dunces cap, a dunces cap.

charlie harper, charlie from the uk subs,
You and me we bought that pub,
I paid the deposit, did the paperwork,
you fucked off on a uk tour, a man of your age should know better,
that's why your hairdressers went bust.

I was out of the house for short time yesterday ( Christmas Day) - when I came back it was clear one or even more of the Sues had been back to pick up some of their stuff. I didn't realise they still had a key, but this looks to be the case. I believe they sit in their car on the hill at the back of the house - from there they can see me coming and going.


who's your favourite - gilbert or george?

they sleep together in a big wooden bed,
they eat ham and eggs, ham and eggs.
send dry cleaning , send dry cleaning,
get their teeth done by a dentist.

someone's pissed up against their door,
pushed a free newspaper through their letterbox
a do-gooder got a petition going,
started a rumour there was community charge owing.

they never cooks meals, did you know that?
always eat in cafes, where did I read that?
they won't go out of the country you know,
in case they're not allowed back in.

they got a dog with three legs, dog with three legs.
got a grant from the council, keeps their fees down.
they got a dog with three legs, dog with three legs.
they turned down an opportunity,
to join the witness protection programme.

Christmas time is a strange time to be alone. The three Sues have long since left me alone here in Dorset. So, I will use the next week to write new material. No distractions - none of the typical Christmas goings on. I plan to post a new song/poem each day. That discipline will keep me busy. Here's the first:


I Love Your Shop.

I live in sheltered housing I shop til I drop
Ad manager on the face used to be Rod Sopp
You're my foreman, I'm the kind that needs a foreman
When I've had enough, then my friend, then I'll stop
Give it up, give in, give it to me,
I love your shop.

Sometimes I'm all mixed up, I change my mind
When I look at you I see you're too that kind
You're my foreman, I'm the kind that needs a foreman
In the morning I'm at the bottom, in the afternoon at the top.
Save me, save yourself, save me
I love your shop.

I was never academic.
I was never gonna be a mechanic.
I should have gone to college
But I never had the knowledge
My father drove the 21 bus
To get me through the eleven plus.

Into the Christmas period - and a bout of cyber-aggro has broken out. All highly amusing. I can't sing for toffee and spend all my time posting insults on other folks websites. Tell me something I don't know and isn't that what the internet is for ?
As soon as I heard about this new fangled internet thing, I knew it was for me. No longer did I have to waste valuable time writing crank letters or making late night obscene telephone calls to single women or the vulnerable, I could create all my mischief at the click of a mouse. Brilliant.
The mixing and re-mastering of the retrospective record has begun - all very nice too. Here's a picture that may be on the cover.

Some festive news. Paul Hawksbee & Andy Jacobs, who host a show on TalkSport Radio(1053/1089am) weekday afternoons - played my 12 Days Of Christmas Song today - and plan to play it until Christmas Day. It's recorded under the name of one of my alter egos - Simon RicePudding ( pronounced Risping). I put it together last Friday evening - it's a football based piece of nonsense. Could well be a big hit ......

The Disco Students are fantastic, everyone knows that - but The Haircuts, well, crikey,some professors of music say they were even better. Word reaches me The Haircuts are receiving radio play in the U.S. At St Louis station KDHX. "Do You Remember L-L-Longwick" rattling through the airwaves after all this time. http://www.kdhx.org/playlist.php?date=2004-01-12&show=Scene%20of%20the%20Crime

Here's a new creation:

King Of The Manchester Baggy Scene.

I was a Manchester City trainee,
Whose career was ended by a broken knee,
Failed my O Levels due to no revision,
Became a roadie for Joy Division.

I was pinned up against the wall,
At the Manchester Free Trade Hall,
By the future rhythm section of The Fall,
Tony Wilson witnessed it all.

I was a Stockholm Monster and a Chameleon,
Sang backing vocals with the Durutti Column.
I ran warehouse parties in Trafford Park
And sold Chelsea boots to John Cooper-Clarke.

I managed the Happy Sundays then they changed their name,
Ditched me and went on to worldwide fame,
I was brought in to remix "WonderWall"
But now the Gallaghers wont return my calls

Now I'm the head of a new regime,
I'm the King Of The Manchester Baggy Scene.

9th December 1977 - The Haircuts ( the embryonic Disco Students) made their debut - the performance ended in a riot - and is immortalised in the track "Do You Remember L-L-Longwick?" - featured on the Aylesbury Goes Flaccid LP. Here they are during a punk BCR phase.

Had a cyber tidy this evening - cleaned up the freewebs site I got going when I went all poetic in the Spring. A couple of poems there featuring George Best & Paul Gascoigne. I'd semi forgotten about them ( the poems, not the men).
http://www.freewebs.com/rockpoet2005/index.htm

Just found this on eBay. I'm aware that the Disco Students are featured on a number of these albums - all good stuff.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4732077438&fromMakeTrack=true

The new record had made the airwaves - via The Jimmy Possession show on 209Radio.
http://209radio.co.uk I'm planning a Spring assault on the London stage - taking the music to the kids. There's no doubt that the traditional way of putting a group together and playing gigs is pretty much finished. You probably already knew that. So, plans are being hatched for a new, somewhat different way of presenting the songs. Exciting, isn't it?

One of the old DS guitarists, Jon Greenough, used to ( probably still does) have a saying -"Happy Is A Bumpy Road".
Well, the release of the new recording has apparently put the willies up a member of the DS family. It looks as if I am going to The Old Bailey and then be shot ( both possibilties are pictured).

I'm working on a few new songs - the George Michael one included - and once completed, I'm going to have a go at putting them on My Space.com Seems a nice idea to be able to write and record material then release it into cyberspace within a few hours.

George Michael's Getting Married (To A Bloke).

Oh no this is no hoax.
I say again, this is no joke.
George Michael's getting married to a bloke.
David Furnish is Mrs Dwight,
David Furnish, yes , that's right.
What does Rod Stewart think of all this?
A straight up crumpet man.
And Mick Jagger,
Dartford art school serial shagger.
Andrew Ridgley has washed his hands of this,
Broken nose - small price to pay.
To escape his Bushey collaborator's future of gay.

"Hold on, slow down " - that's what the Pope says,
"Newly elected and German - we're not known for our jokes"
Jesus F Christ.
George Michael's getting married to a bloke.
Bryan Ferry and David Jones-Bowie, yeah - a joke's a joke.
"But we were only selling records"
Motorbikin' by Chris Spedding,
Now, it's celebrity gay weddings.
Oh no this is no hoax.
Repeat, this is no joke.
George Michael's getting married to a bloke.

Here's what Rough Trade have to say for themselves :


THE DISCO STUDENTS :my black girlfriend
the disco students formed back in 78, released some criminally under rated singles before splitting up in 1982 after a gig at the futurama festival. they reformed in 2003 and this is their third release from the new version of the band. the main track 'my black girlfriend' is an eerie and minimal post punk style track with vocals similar to early soft cell era marc almond. the other tracks are in a totally different style and the standout is the new version of 'mark e smith's dead' which is a lo-fi thrashy pop song with an obvious fall influence. 7 track cd only release on yeah! yeah! yeah! records.

Review of the Black Girlfriend record by seasoned rock journalist Mick Mercer - from www.mickmercer.com:

THE DISCO STUDENTS MY BLACK GIRLFRIEND Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”They’re making a documentary, about what she sees in me.” A filleted sound with a scratchy energy stuffed into the languid pace of the opening title track almost makes me think of Terry Hall making a good record (I never understood why reviewers praised his turgid Post-Funboy 3 dross) so that’s an irritatingly good start. Their obvious lyrical strength being matched by the music is a step on from the previous records they’d sent me, where the music struggled to play catch up with obvious humour, or was a decorative accessory, but now they have an edge. Twice they include a ‘version’: the punctilious, slippery ‘Mark E. Smith’s Dead’ attacking with a gloriously scabby guitar sound, then a suitably gormless ‘The Most Handsome Man On TV’ wobbling along.‘Kitchen Sink Disco’ is an engagingly shite piece, smearing memories over a psychotic mixture of rhythmical notions, where the bland feeling slowly envelops you, unpleasantly, which is a clever move. ‘My Secretary’ has one glorious line, ”she makes my appointments, she covers me in ointment” but I don’t think we need go there. A simple plinking tune which clomps along with occasionally fading samples of Peel talking about them on his show and using the word terrific, this is another oddly affecting piece, where ‘Nice Little Bust’ is just a chirpy bit of bluster, with lustre. (“I’ve seen your nice little bust, caress it I must.”) Along with the perverse observations the music also manages to clamp down hard on the imagination, and when ‘My Lesbian Sister’ finishes with a dark, throbbing beat and scary keyboards wings, seriously moody, full of sound despite its naff end, it has to be said that whenever the album appears it now threatens to be rather special.http://www.discostudents.com/

Do we need Pop Stars to tell us what to do? You may, my old china - but I bloody well don't. I watched that Madonna documentary last night on Channel Four - "I Want To Tell You A Secret" . Now don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl etc. But dear me, when she wasn't banging on about Kabbalah she was chastising anyone within earshot with her home-spun "Political" message - something about being nice to one another and that - and lo behold anyone who didn't immediately pat her on the back and tell her that she is indeed , spot on about it all.
It got me thinking - there's Bono of course, Geldof - and now that studenty looking bloke from The Coldplay - all mad keen on telling us what to do. I'm a big fan of Patti Smith - always go to see her when she turns up in London - but I'm afraid, she's another one - Patti loves a rant about war, hunger, the price of fish. Last night Madonna was berating one of her dancers about him not being registered to vote - so the poor lad rushed out, registered - then returned to ask for guidance on who to vote for. Big Michael Moore was also on hand with advice for the feeble minded. Me, I haven't voted since the early 1990's - just think how different the world would be today if I'd actually got down to the polling booth.

Right - approaching post flu fitness - so back to the matter in hand. I work in a cyclical manner ( just listen to me) - something to do with a low boredom threshold I fear. The most recent art form to receive my attention has been painting. I've been daubing canvasses and such in a creative frenzy - when they're completed, I'll pop a few on here for public viewing.
Now the book and CD are out - I'm moving back into the poetry field - my stuff's at www.simoncheetham.com . I played a few gigs in the Summer - to mixed reviews, it must be said. I did a couple of comedy clubs, but it just wasn't me. Everyone else on the bill would have sold their grandmother to get a laugh - my curmudgeonly world weary persona with extra misanthropism did not endear me to either my fellow performers or some( most) of the audience. I also performed as an opening act to some rock bands - where I fared much better. Anyway, the point is, I'm back on the poetry track at the moment - indeed I'm just completing the masterpiece that is " George Michael's Getting Married ( To A Bloke)" - I'll post the finished work up here soon.